Hilarious reviews of Fort Rapids, the closed-down water park

“Closed For Renovations,” the website for Columbus’ Fort Rapids Water Park reads as of late Monday night. As I write this, it has been mere hours since Columbus police have ordered the water park close.

The accusations are pretty hefty: “bed bugs, coackroaches, air quality, improper food handling, repairs without permits and numerous fire code violations … guests being sickened from the fumes in the water park.” Oh, and did we mention “malfunctions and a fire”?
Yes. Closed for Renovations indeed. The website doesn’t get any more specific than that.

While police officers sort out this mess, let’s enjoy some of the most entertaining user reviews of Fort Rapids Water Park.
Danielle Dyer, Google Reviews:
“My husband and I took are 4 kids to the wayerpark we was having fun until we were there for about 10 mins and all my kids started coughing we had to end up leaving cause the kids wanted to leave beacuse of them coughing so much I’m very upset and think something would be done about this we spent a lot of money and couldn’t even stay there and their still sickvtaking them to the doc Friday and it wasn’t just my kids it was every kid there I mean really how can they do this and not give us money back come on people something need done !!!!”
Final rating: 1 star out of 5.

Jason Spink, Google Reviews:
“This hotel should be shut down. Horrible management, rooms weren’t ready 90 mins after chrckin time. Water park was shut down early on a holiday for an unannounced private party. Restaurant staff had 1 cook and food ordered was on a 2 hour delay. Half of the slides in the water park didn’t work. Horrible experience and staff didn’t seem to care at all when we complained.”
Final rating: 1 star out of 5.
Kevin Liu: Google Reviews:
“Love the waterpark. No big issue during stay. I went to resort with my best friends. Waterpark is very clean but a lot of people was using slides. Nice place to go.”
Final rating: 5 stars out of 5. Theory: Kevin drilled his head on a water slide and is typing this with a concussion.
Buckeyestatetraveler, Trip Advisor:
“Legitimate Health Risk: A couple months ago we made reservations but cancelled them as soon as we got there because of the horrid condition of this hotel.”
Final Rating: 1 star out of 5. Bonus points for using “Chemically Induced Bronchitis” in a review for a water theme park.
Dee H, Trip Advisor:
“Arriving there, it seemed ok, the staff were pleasant and I just thought “a bit run down, but the staff made up for the first impression”. Got to our room. It was filthy! I immediately went to the local Walmart and purchased my own towels, and cleaning supplies. I should have checked out then. But my child wanted to go to the water park. We were here to see doctors at Nationwide Children’s. By Friday after our visit to the doctors, it was too late to coordinate a different hotel. I was sicken by the room not being clean. I had stomach issues from that afternoon on, we stayed until Monday when our flight took off. My child got sick,and with a serious heart condition it made it worse. He too developed stomach issues and the cleaning staff “overlooked” our room, while they were on their cell phones!”
Final Rating: 1 star out of 5. “Hey kids, before we go to the children’s hospital, how about a filthy afternoon at the waterpark?”
Oscar, Expedia:
“Towels in the rooms were tiny.”
Final rating: 2 stars out of 5. Good call, Oscar.
Ryan D., Yelp:
“DISGUSTING! Roaches & smells SOOOOO BAD. I got a bacterial infection from the water and have been on medicine for 6 months. That’s how bad it is. STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Final rating: 1 star out of 5. After the sixth exclamation point, the remaining ones are for emphasis.
Tabatha S., Yelp:
“My favorite part of the stay? That’d have to be when we saw a cockroach in the changing rooms. When we informed the life guard they calmly asked; “How big was it?”. Nothing else.”
Final rating: 1 star out of 5.
Louis O., Yelp:
“Amazing place to spend weekends and holidays. Many interesting events to have fun. Also the indoor waterpark and arcade are really great. There are many options to have no matter what you like.”
Final rating: 5 stars out of 5. How much money did they pay you to write this, Louis?

Road trip to Port Sandusky Family Restaurant

“Support your police and fireman,” reads a small sign on the window of the Port Sandusky Family Restaurant. With an unassuming facade and little in the way of outwardly self-promotion, it’s not quite a place travelers stumble upon. No, you’re there because you meant to be there. On a lazy Sunday afternoon, my girlfriend Jessica and I meant to be there.

For me, the place brought back memories. Across the street is the Sandusky Register newspaper building, an imposing structure that looks out onto Lake Erie almost as menacing as its reporters watchdog local politicians. It was my newspaper of choice growing up, primarily for the MLB boxscores, and later helped contribute to my becoming a journalist. I interned there in the summer of 2012 and sat across from writers I’d been idolizing for years. It was truly a watershed moment.

The first time I went to Port Sandusky Family Restaurant was that summer. President Barack Obama had just announced he would be hosting a campaign stop in town later that month. The Register’s Andy Ouriel, a fellow BGSU graduate who helped secure my internship there, was elated. (Ouriel had been hounding Obama administration officials for years during his first term to campaign in Sandusky when his re-election bid came up. Whether his prodding had any influence we’ll never know for sure, but one imagines it’s more than just luck that Obama ended up being the first sitting president to visit Sandusky since Harry Truman in the 1940s).

Bird dog reporters like Andy can’t resist a good “Man on the Street” story. The two of us went across the street and interviewed each table one by one, asking about Obama’s first term and their thoughts on him coming to town. It was a neat little restaurant, and I came back more than a few times on my afternoon lunch break that summer.

We got seats at the counter. To our left was a small TV assuredly two decades old strangely playing re-runs of Winter X Games. I didn’t expect the older diner crowd inside to be snowboarding fans, and it turns out they weren’t.

Near the TV were two framed portraits. On top was President John F. Kennedy. Below was Tom Selleck. There’s an old line, I forget where I heard this, that says you cannot trust an Italian restaurant that doesn’t have a photograph of Joe DiMaggio on the wall. I now contend you cannot trust a diner that doesn’t have a framed portrait of Tom Selleck on the wall. Underneath Tom was a gumball machine that apparently was “out of order.” This begs the question, how long are gumballs good for? Until the end of time, yes?

It was early February, the day of the Super Bowl, but Port Sandusky hadn’t gotten around to taking down its Christmas tree. Elsewhere was a giant Coca Cola clock. I have always professed my love for Coca Cola memorabilia. Classic Americana.

Being Jessica and I, we both got breakfast, but the whole menu looked delicious. The amazing thing was the prices. They offered a side order of mozzarella sticks for $3, which seems way cheaper than everywhere else. Their breakfast menu featured the “Classic 4,” as I call it (Toast, Meat, Hash Browns, Eggs) for just $4. Not even Waffle House is that cheap.

I went with the “Big Man Breakfast,” I think it was called. And holy hell was it appropriately named: three eggs, seven (!!!) strips of bacon, a plate of hashbrowns and toast. The cost was $5.75. God bless ’em.

We enjoyed our trip to Port Sandusky Family Restaurant. When our food was ready, the cook stuck her head out and rang the bell. I hope to hear that bell again sometime.

The rest of that afternoon’s road trip was enjoyable enough. We traveled to Milan to see the Thomas Edison birthplace, then headed north through Huron and west toward Cedar Point. Even in February with the park closed, a slow journey down the chaussee (an alternative to the large bridge that connects Sandusky to the island) was gorgeous. The large houses looked as beautiful as ever. We cut across the bottom of the Cedar Point parking lot and glanced out at the new Valravn roller coaster under construction, then headed back down the causeway bridge to Sandusky.

As it turns out, a few days later Cedar Point officials sheepishly announced that causeway bridge needed structural repairs. Makes you feel good having JUST CROSSED IT.

 

#1 on the Hot 100 charts – 1964

Back again with the #1 hits on the charts. Last time, we looked at 1963, and we’re carrying onward with 1964.

The year 1963 ended with The Singing Nun’s month-long chart-topper, “Dominique.” It was weird. So at least 1964 began in January with a traditional croon from Bobby Vinton, who still gets plenty of airplay on Sirius satellite radio. He led the charts with “Blue Velvet” for four weeks in mid-1963, and comes back again to start 1964 with four weeks atop the charts with “There I’ve Said It Again.”

So here’s something fun: Next up is a song by a very obscure band known then as “The Beatles.” Maybe you’ve heard of them. Their song, “I Want To Hold Your Hand,” was the group’s first hit to reach #1. I apologize for that link not because of the song quality (it’s great, even for Beatles standards), but because of the utterly obnoxious fan girls screaming incessantly. As annoying as Millennials can be, I contend that girls in the 1960s were far more annoying screamers.

I Want To Hold Your Hand, it should be noted, was one of the songs played by The Beatles during the group’s historic taping on the Ed Sullivan Show. Anyways, the song went to #1 on Feb. 1, 1964 and stayed there for seven weeks, only to be finally surpassed by a popular group out of the United Kingdom…

…The Beatles. Yes, this time the group went to #1 with “She Loves You,” which also was featured on the Ed Sullivan Show. It perfectly encapsulates The Beatles’ early pop style. Supposedly, the song popularized the word “Yeah” (which is repeated throughout the chorus).

OK, so She Loves You stayed at #1 for two weeks in March, meaning The Beatles were up to nine-straight weeks at the top. Finally on April 4 came another song out of England by…

…The Beatles. Damn, Beatlemania sure was real. At #1 for five more weeks, bringing the streak up to 14 weeks in a row, was “Can’t Buy Me Love.” 

So long as I continue writing this series and heading further into the 1960s…obviously the topic of The Beatles is going to come up a bunch more. This isn’t really that original of a thought, but I find that it’s really difficult to describe the merits of Beatles songs in relation to one another…after all, the 48th-best Beatles song is still incredible. 

Now we move to something kind of different. If anyone could knock The Beatles off a pedestal, it’s Louis Armstrong and his hit, “Hello Dolly.” Here’s a video of him singing it and sweating more than Robert Hays at the end of “Airplane.”

Louis topped the chart for a week before Mary Wells won the top spot with “My Guy.” I’m still partial to Whoopi Goldberg’s “My God” version in “Sister Act.”

On May 30, The Beatles were back on top. This time it was “Love Me Do,” which actually is the band’s very first single. The song stayed at #1 for just a week, bringing the group’s total time there at 15 weeks through four months of 1964.

After that is a 60’s classic: The Dixie Cups and “Chapel of Love.” I’ve always liked this one. It went #1 on June 6 and stayed there for two more weeks. Apparently, a version of the group still performs around the South.

Next is the duo Peter and Gordon singing “A World Without Love.” It’s of those songs you need to hear it first for that “oh yeah! That song!” moment. This stayed at #1 for a week. It was actually written by Paul McCartney back when he was a teenager, but The Beatles never recorded it. A trivia question: This was the first of two songs credited to Lennon-McCartney that made it to #1 in the U.S. by a different artist. Can you think of the second? Well, wait for a few years for me to finally write all the way to 1975 and you’ll find out…

Nah, just kidding. But if you guessed Elton John, you’d be right! He made it to #1 with “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”

After that came a pretty familiar, “I Get Around” by The Beach Boys. I confess to not being a very huge fan of them, but I can appreciate what they’ve contributed to popular music. The best part of this song are the brief instrumental breaks during the versus. This classic stayed at #1 for two weeks in July.

Following was a Four Seasons hit, “Rag Doll.” It topped the charts for two weeks to close out July and still gets plenty of air play on Sirius satellite radio.

Back to The Beatles. “A Hard Day’s Night” came next for two weeks. One of the noteworthy parts of Beatles lore comes in this song’s first bar, the giant clunk of notes. It was apparently a mystery for decades, exactly which notes were played by which musicians in the studio. If you’re bored for an hour, search for some articles on Google. It’s a pretty crazy story.

Now we slow down a bit with “Everybody Loves Somebody” by Dean Martin. He topped the charts for a week. Dean was such a great showman. My loyalties lie with Sinatra, but I’ve always been a fan of Martin. He grew up in eastern Ohio and later inspired a nightclub character in “Hey Arnold” named Dino Spumoni.

Picking up tempo, The Supremes went to #1 with “Where Did Our Love Go” for two weeks in August. Gotta love those hairdo’s.

This has been quite an eclectic few weeks. First came The Beatles, which continued to mark a cultural shift into rock and roll music…in with the new, right? Well, then back for a week to Dean Martin, the old guard, crooning away as he had for decades. Then back to the new, a Motown group out of Detroit…

And next to The Animals for their haunting hit, “The House of the Rising Sun.” It stayed at #1 for three weeks.

Another familiar one followed, “Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison. Van Halen recorded a popular version of this a few decades later and made it all the way to #12. Orbison’s version was #1 for three weeks.

Wonderful bit of music history…up next is “Do Wah Diddy Diddy,” which of course everybody knows and can sing along with. Know who recorded it? A British band named Manfred Mann, which was the name of its keyboardist. If that name sounds familiar: years later came Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, which recorded the famous song “Blinded By the Light.” Yes, it went to #1 in 1977, a full 13 years after this simple Do Wah Diddy Diddy song did.

Back to 1964. The Supremes followed their success from August with three more weeks atop the charts with “Baby Love.” The saxophone and vocals sound great in this one.

The Shangri-Las picked up a week at #1 with “Leader of the Pack.” My friends all know, I LOVE story songs. This is a great example. The narrator, Betty, starts dating a boy in a motorcycle gang (weren’t the 60’s great?). She gets coerced into breaking up with him. He rides away and then right in the middle of the song, he up and dies in a crash. No really, there’s a whole crash sound and screaming and everything. Then the song just ends. Amazing stuff.

My high school’s marching band actually played this, complete with a downfield drill of a motorcycle. The players making up the wheel had some type of formation where as the bike moved downfield, it looked like they rotated as well. No crashing though, as far as I recall.

Did I say eclectic earlier? I should’ve saved that spiel. for now. For a week, Lorne Green was up at #1 with “Ringo.” It’s one of those old western songs primarily featuring a spoken narrator. Background singers come in occasionally to sing the word “Ringo.” This is another story song. If you didn’t know better, you’d say this is a unique song. But this is almost identical to other similar songs of the era, most notably “Big Bad John” by Jimmy Dean. Listen to them back-to-back and you’ll see Ringo fits almost the exact same songwriting blue-print.

Bobby Vinton made it back to #1 with a slow tune, “Mr. Lonely.”

Another one from The Supremes for a week: “Come See About Me.”

Take a guess at who rounds out the year? Probability says The Beatles, and you’d be right. The group’s first #1 came earlier in 1964; they’d go on to have six total songs go to #1 on the Hot 100 chart that year. It’s actually seven, if you include Peter and Gordon’s “A World Without Love,” which is credited to Lennon-McCartney. That’s a hell of a year.

As I did with the first installment of this series, let’s look at other major songs from 1964 that for whatever reason didn’t go to #1. I’ll give song, artist and what it peaked at on the Hot 100:

• All Day and All of the Night, The Kinks (#5)
• Dancing In the Streets, Martha and the Vandellas (#2)
• I’m Into Something Good, Herman’s Hermits (#13)
• Little Old Lady from Pasadena, Jan and Dean (#3)
• She’s Not There, The Zombies (#2)
• Twist and Shout (#2) (Stuck at #2 because Can’t Buy Me Love was already #1)
• You Really Got Me, The Kinks (#7)